How do you react when your ex wants to change something in your co-parenting routine?
A several weeks ago, my ex emailed, to bring up the idea of changing the co-parenting schedule. This was a surprise to me. I could feel my body tightening as I read the email.
And my immediate reaction, was to just tell him to go fuck himself cause the schedule is the schedule – there’s nothing written anywhere that it ever has to change. PLUS, I’d asked to change the schedule a few years ago and he’d just written the idea right off, so I sort of wanted to reject his idea just out of spite. :)
I was also in the midst of a lot of deadlines at work, so this was just not something I wanted to deal with at all right then.
It got me thinking – how do you react to your ex when he/she bring up a topic that surprises you? When they want to change something that you weren’t expecting?
Does your body tighten?
So, a few weekends ago the kids and I went to Montreal to visit with my sister – who is currently living up North – so the kids are hungry for more time with her! We’ve been doing an annual visit with her in Montreal for quite a few years now, I’m not sure how many off hand, but the kids look forward to it and love the whole experience! Montreal is awesome isn’t it?? Endless adventures to get yourself into :) Even for kids!
Anyways, we were having a great time, and found ourselves in the Botanical Gardens in Montreal after a late breakfast on Sunday. This had been something that was discussed with the kids and everyone seemed good to go!
However, the minute we had got past the ticket counter and started walking around, one of my daughter’s says ‘when are we having lunch, I’m hungry’ and my son says ‘I’m too tired to walk, let’s go back to the hotel’…
The top TWO things Co-Parenting has taught me:
.1 Good things can come from a difficult situation. Let's face it, I would have probably never talked to my ex again - if we didn't have kids. Way simpler and way less work. But in the dust of our marriage ending, co-parenting has forced a different sort-of relationship to bloom. It has expanded what I thought I was capable of and what I thought my ex was capable of. We've grown as individuals and as parents, after years of negotiating and balancing everyones' schedules - as annoying as that is sometimes!
.2 My communication skills could be improved :) Cause when nearly everything is in writing over email or txt, for reference, it’s easy to see where something could be misinterpreted or just not written clearly enough. And you want to make sure you express yourself without ruffling any feathers, if that's not actually your intention. So, communication skills become fine tuned like...
I was on a retreat a month ago that changed my life forever.
It was called ‘Seduction of Spirit’ and is put on by the Chopra Center, which was founded by Deepak Chopra.
I’ve been a HUGE fan of Deepak Chopra for over 20 years – I still vividly remember the first book I ever read of his, it was called How to Know God, and while it blew my mind at the time, it also rung so deeply true to me. Like when your soul knows it to be true, it resonates.
And ever since, I’ve kept reading his books when they interest me and I’ve seen him speak a few times when he’s come to Ottawa.
I have a Civil Engineering degree, so I’ve got a naturally scientific mind and I’ve always loved the way he blends science with spirit & mind/body concepts.
ANYWAYS, this retreat was primarily a meditation retreat – with lots of doses of yoga and talks with different mind/body teachers and researchers. It was also in Sunny...
Let’s face it – as your marriage ends and you start your new life as a family with two homes, the shitty situation seems enormous, almost unmanageable, and whether or not you can actually climb over a shit pile that huge appears doubtful a lot of the time.
And for a long while you may not even be able to tell which way is up and which way is down, and if you’ve made any progress out of all this shit at all.
It sucks. It really fucking sucks.
So, what can you do?
Believe it or not, you have choices.
What will you do?
I hope you’ll see beyond the shit. To your version of a great life.
Where you have someone to unconditionally love you and be your cheerleader in life. To raising well adjusted and resilient kids. Having the freedom to travel and vacation more often. Those are just a few of mine :)
Let that dream be your fuel, when you don’t think you have anything left in the tank.
This photo is of my ex’s printer, in my front entrance. The story of how it got there is why I am so grateful for my ex and his willingness to co-parent as reasonably and lovingly as possible, for the sake of the kids.
Last week, one of my daughter’s came home from school and announced that she had a project she HAD TO FINISH that night. To complete the project she needed to print off a few things.
Doh. My printer has been out of ink for AGES. So, printing anything off wasn’t going to be as easy as pie.
So, I tell her this, and she immediately says – we can just go to Daddy’s place and print the pictures off there.
:) Not wanting to put words into my ex’s mouth (..like presuming he’d say no and that we should just go out to buy new printer cartridges), I figure I’ll txt him and see if this is possible. Cause I figured it probably was the easiest way to get things printed.
We’ve all been there, a friend or loved one is going through something really difficult and you just don’t know what to say or how to begin to make them feel better.
And we’ve definitely all been there, when you have a well-meaning friend or loved one and everything they try and say about your marriage ending just falls so flat or worse - actually offends you. Or even super worse, people just avoid you all together because they don’t know what to say and feel like avoidance or saying nothing is actually better.
So, this got me thinking about when my marriage had newly ended, and how many people just never discussed it or ask how I was doing for what seemed like FOREVER. Or if they did ask and I actually gave them a brief but honest answer, they simply weren’t prepared to just hold the space for me – they had no idea how to respond and just ended up standing their awkward until the topic of conversation was changed. It never...
If all else fails and your marriage has to end, then let’s at least make the most of a bad situation and ensure a healthy gender balance going forward. Might as well start as you want to go on!
I mean, who really wants to look after their kids solo - 24/7 - until they are off to college/university? Not me. I mean not if I have any choice in the matter. I kiss the feet of single moms and dads out there, which is an incredibly hard gig.
No martyrs necessary.
Who cares if you think you can make a better meal than your ex. Or can play a better game of baseball with them. True fact: the kids certainly don’t care.
What they do care about is both of their parents being in their lives. In a meaningful way.
Even on the odd time, when my ex and I don’t alternate weekends, we do two or three weekends with the kids in a row, because the other is travelling. During these times, one or more of the kids always mentions that they...
What do you enjoy most in life and who do you love most? Where do you spend your money? Do you spend money in a way that is aligned with your values?
Now I know, Money can be a HUGE stress during those initial months & years after your family becomes a family with two homes -- or at any time frankly! But this is also an opportunity to give yourself a reality check.
I’m pretty good at math, so when my marriage ended, I knew the basic logic sucked – me and my ex made the same amount of money we did before we separated, except now we had to run two separate households – YIKES! And most people aren’t rich enough to have had two homes beforehand, unless you’re a celebrity!
Having money fears is totally normal BUT that doesn’t mean you need to ignore the whole topic and not deal with your budget and current financial situation.
I did this for a long while and my money fears didn’t subside – funny enough.....
I just had the worst Christmas of my life!!
But wow, am I ever brimming with gratitude for my community in a much deeper way than I’ve ever felt it before! And I thought I was a pretty grateful and appreciative person before.
To back up a bit, my boyfriend got a sudden and life threatening illness just days before Christmas, while I was out of town visiting with my family on the East Coast. So, I flew back for several days, until I knew for sure he wasn’t going to die or need to be amputated, and then flew back out East to spend a few days with my kids and get a bit of a ‘normal’ Christmas in. And then we drove back to Ottawa early, so I could get back to ensuring my boyfriend would make a full recovery.
What a nightmare.
He was coming down with a bit of a flu or something seemingly typical before Christmas, but wow. He ended up spending just over a week in the ICU and then another 2 weeks in the hospital recovering, and now he’s...