How do you intend to live the rest of your life after Separation/Divorce'?
Write it down. In detail. Let's get real here.
I imagine your response is similar to what mine was, I just want to be happy, I want to be a good parent, and have good relationships with the people I love - especially my kids. I want my relationship with my ex to have a flow and ease to it. All great stuff!
Now close your eyes and in your mind's eye - really see it happening, imagine your life the way you want it to be, as if it's happening right now. Who would be in your life? How would you act towards others?
How would it feel?
Please, really do the visualization. It's so powerful.
It only needs to be for 5 mins or so! You know you're onto something when you can feel your body physically responding to the visualization - like happy tingling and just an overall positive feeling building in your body.
Continue on with the visualization daily or weekly or...
Let’s face it – we all have days when we just want to keep our head in the sand, pull up the blankets in bed and stay there all day. When it all looks too daunting to bother. This is always when we are in dire need for a change in perspective.
Whether we want to admit it or not :)
Since this weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada, I’ve had my fair share of being outside and enjoying the leaves changing colour recently. Going for a hike or just walking around a park, it’s amazing the way the landscape changes based on the season, and fall is one of my favourite seasons!
The enormity of it all always blows my mind – the look offs with their vistas, the beach looking out into an endless ocean. The smallness of you and me. It’s breathtaking.
Get your head out of the sand, out of your own problems, and look around – nature is spectacular!
And for me, it is a continual reminder that the world goes on – through good...
Loneliness is a funny thing – I know that sounds weird but for me it is true.
Like a lot of people, I have the tendency to become a bit of a hermit when I’m hurting and upset and generally don't know what to do next.
In retrospect, I can see how becoming a temporary hermit helps me quiet down my life, so that I can hear my inner voice, or inner knowing, that silent sureness – whatever you want to call it doesn’t much matter :) That inner voice always seems to need to be more desperately heard in times of great turmoil.
So, I figure that’s why I hermit when life gets too impossible.
Which is great. For awhile. Except a hermit is a lonely existence overall.
But please - don't rush this phase. It is the magic of the universe dressed as loneliness. Just be lonely for awhile. Try and become comfortable with loneliness. Trust that it'll pass, but let it serve you while it's around.
Get to know yourself...
Last week, a friend’s brother committed suicide. He was going through a hard divorce and he had very limited access to his kids, because his ex requested full custody. He had little community resources at his disposal. Eventually, he could see no way out except one. He isn’t the first and he probably won’t be the last.
What a devastating blow to his children who love him immensely.
So, here I am, asking all mother’s everywhere, who may be considering Separation/Divorce or who are in the midst of mediation or court. Please. Think of your children first. And when thinking of your children, remember that the two people your children love most in the world are: you and their dad.
And having been in your shoes, I understand full well that you and their dad probably aren’t seeing eye to eye on much these days. And that you feel as though you know how to care for your children far better than he does.
We all know that going through a Separation/Divorce does a huge number on your self-confidence. Here's how Mirror work with positive affirmations helped me get through the slog.
So, your marriage ending is still very fresh, suddenly everything is new and you’re completely untethered from the life you used to know, from the life your future was based on. And while this is a really painful time, it will get better, and you’ll get through it. You will. For a time, being less sure of yourself is OK – I mean, when you doubt yourself, this brings upon self-reflection, which is extremely handy in making important internal changes and how you are out in the world.
However, there are times when it feels like ages and ages have gone by and you still don’t feel like you can handle your life, or if one more thing happens, you’re sure it’ll be the end of you – you just can’t handle any more uncertainty. When I was...
We can do better.
The events in Charlottesville, Virginia, USA this past week have really fueled my fire. It has got me thinking really, really deeply. And just to be clear, I live in Canada, but I’d be naive to think that hatred and violence could never happen here for similar reasons.
Racism is so evil. Hating someone based on nothing but their race is impossible for me to understand. Religious persecution is evil. Sexism. Patriarchy. To see someone as less than you. Seeing yourself as more entitled.
With that backdrop, how do we even begin to start a discussion? Where’s the common ground? How can we get to a point where each side can truly see the other, to understand the other, to see each other with compassion and as fellow human beings?
It feels too big a mountain. Too hard.
And when I think of my children. It all scares me to the core.
Is this the world we want to give to our...
Below is an article I wrote for Elephant Journal - I hope you enjoy it! Within it, I discuss four key ways to ensure you move on in a healthy way. If you have anything else you want to see added to the list, leave me a comment below or send me an email - I'd love to hear from you!
What a circus parenting is sometimes – except none of the adults are laughing, when they are all at an event for their child/step child and just trying to make sure it's all cordial.
It can literally feel like a circus I’m sure. When you’re all together, it can feel like you are competing to get (and keep) your kids’ attention. Cause somehow, your worth as a parent is gauged by whether or not your child wants to hang out with you more, when they have the option of hanging out with any parent they want! You know you’ve thought it and felt the pang of hurt when they choose your ex! :)
Now I’m not there yet, I’m dating a great man but haven’t introduced the kids. My ex is keeping a low dating profile, so I’m not sure where he’s at exactly, but certainly no one new has been introduced to the kids on his side either.
However, last week, I did find myself at my girls’ gymnastics finale –...
Let's be honest, parenting is a hard gig. Thank-goodness, it takes a community to raise a child :) I have found such comfort in this idea and since my Separation have come to see that this is the only possible way to raise children while keeping your own sanity and personal interests.
Juggling children on your own (even if you are a part of an amazing co-parenting team, you still have the children on your own for large chunks of time) is exhausting and awesome and so many things in between. And the pressure to do it all as parents is SO HUGE, it’s absolutely crushing at times.
Now, before my Separation, I was never one to ask for help. I’m sure I’m not the only one here :)
However, once I was Separated, there was no way I could handle everything on my own, which forced my hand: I had to be open to help that was offered and to even (terrifyingly) admit I needed some.
My kids are also getting older and with each year that passes, the world...
This was such a terrifying question to me initially because I didn't feel that I could ever explain the situation well enough to really have the kids understand. Keep in mind my kids were 6yrs and 3yrs old when their dad and I separated.
I spent a ton of time, as my marriage was ending and during the first year or more after we moved apart, being paralyzed by this immensely terrifying fear and doom, where I thought that by separating, our kids were now officially damaged beyond repair and essentially ruined BUT at the same time wishing and hoping and praying that they would completely and always be happy through it all. Like the slightest tear was a sign of my complete failure as a mother and needed to be wiped away and replaced with a smile as quickly as possible.
My marriage ending was my cross to bear for eternity. I was a shitty mom because my kids were grieving the family unit they’d known since birth. My failure in a marriage had caused them...